I Didn’t Expect… The Comments or Lack Thereof

I didn’t expect that strangers would NOT make comments to us when we are in public. 

I also didn’t expect to get such overwhelmingly negative comments from non-strangers.

I have been reading adoption blogs for over 3 years now. It seemed that adoptive families often write about the comments, both good and bad, that they would get while out in public (especially those families with lots of little kids.) Because I was decidedly not looking forward to fielding comments of any kind from strangers, I have been pleasantly surprised that no one seems to notice our big, loud, multi-racial family. Maybe people are thinking things. Thankfully they seem to keep their thoughts to themselves.

 

On the other hand, we have a few acquaintances that have been more than willing to share their thoughts. These precious people have been through some incredibly difficult adoption experiences with severe cases of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), violence, and disruption. They are very attentive to the behaviors that can be associated with RAD and they tend to watch our family with a different perspective than most. I truly do want to hear their stories and I want to learn from their experiences. But it can be very hard to take in when you are told, in no uncertain terms, that everything is absolutely going to fall apart within the next few months. Because the girls lean away too much, or because they don’t like a certain kind of doll quite enough, or because they are too quiet with a stranger, or too friendly with a stranger, we must be heading for serious trouble.

 

We are doing all we can to foster healthy attachment. We know that the girls may continue to struggle, but we also have hope that they will be able to heal and grow in our family. These types of doom and gloom conversations have become very draining for me. I know things may not get better, or even get worse, but I have to do all I can to hold on to hope for a better day…

I Didn’t Expect… the Competition

I didn’t expect that there would be such intense competition in our adopted children.

I am floored by the apparent greed and jockeying for attention that I see in Lila and Ella. Yes, I know all kids are competitive and greedy. It in our nature! But what we have seen has been on a whole different level.

I think it is rooted in their attempts to find their place in our family. They are trying to learn the boundaries and ever so slowly I hope they can begin to understand that our love is not expressed solely through which child receives the most privileges.

Lila must do EVERYTHING, and say EVERYTHING, and get EVERYTHING that all four of the other children do, say or get. If for some reason she is unable to do, say, get the exact same thing (or more) than the others, we invariably get to giant dose of pouting and/or crying. It is a constant behavior issue with her and it really wears on me hour after hour, day after day.

For Ella, it all comes through in tears and hitting. As soon as I talk to, hug, or give attention to another child, she is crying and hitting either me or someone else. If, however, no one else is getting attention from me, Ella wants nothing to do with me. Oh, how I hope these behaviors will lessen as time passes!

I Didn’t Expect… Such Amazing Support

I didn’t expect to be so deeply touched by the unwavering support of a few close friends and family members.

As I mentioned in previous posts, we had some nasty parasitic things to deal in the weeks/months following our homecoming. And we haven’t exactly been the best company as we have muddled through these early stages of adjustment. And we are loud (more on that later).

But even through all that, our friends have stuck by us. Just a few days after we discovered the raging case of head lice, we were told, “Come on over, we’ll take the Hutchinson’s, head lice and all.” Seriously, would you say that to someone? And another friend has been coming over every single week to work with Lila on her English. Some friends and family have come through to support us financially as the adoption expenses and medical bills have continued to overwhelm.

But these are just a few examples. There are so many ways we have been lifted up and supported through these months. From food to finances to faith to friendship, there have been a special few who have bolstered us in amazing ways!

I Didn’t Expect… the Mess

I didn’t expect that my house would be exponentially more messy in far less time each day.

I thought that we’d get a toy bin down and all the kids would play for the day, then we’d clean it up and be done. After all, that’s how it used to work. Our whole categorized toys bins system worked pretty well. Not so anymore.

Ella is on a never ending rampage to dump anything she can get her hands on. Far more so than any of my other kids have ever done. I am longing for the day when she learns to sit down and play with something! The other four children can’t ever agree on a set of toys to play with.

The result is an unbelievable mishmash of toys strewn over every square foot of floor space. Things get even more messy when we add piles of various 2nd grade, Kindergarten, and Preschool homeschool supplies, books, etc. strewn on all available table or counter space.

I am learning to live with it, at least until 4:00 p.m. when we clean up every last item and make dinner. And again at 7:30 p.m. when we clean it all over again so we can get ready for bed. Thankfully, this gives me two windows of “clean” each day. 

I Didn’t Expect…

From the deeply challenging or uplifiting to the mundane stuff of everyday life, here is the first in a series of things that we didn’t expect to experience through the adoption process.

I didn’t expect that our English speaking children would absorb and begin to use broken, improper sentence structure and word pronuceation. Our three bio kids have taken to speaking like they are just learning English for the first time. In John’s case, he talks like Lila in order to help her understand him better. For him it’s a consious decision to alter his speach for her benefit.

Grace and Will are not altering their speach intentionally. Rather, they are absorbing and speaking what they hear all day, every day. In a given day Lila talks more than the rest of us combined. Because she has a very limited vocabulary and grasp of the English language, the words and phrases that come out of her mouth are very repettitive. So much so that our Englsih speaking children will oftentimes talk just like her. 

Another Sister

Before we traveled to Ethiopia we shared on the blog that some things had developed with our adoption case. Things that were upsetting and confusing for us at the time. Things that broke our hearts then and still break our hearts today. We have not written more about it because of confidentiality issues.

This past week, we were able to get permission from our agency to share our story (with some details omitted.)

Here is the rest of the story.

We found out just two days before passing court (in November ‘08) that our adopted daughters have a 2 year old sister who is HIV+. (We knew at referral that their dad died of AIDS and that their mom is HIV+. Ella Furtuna tested positive initially because of the antibodies but the PCA came back negative.)  I talked to our agency a few times on the day we passed court and they opened the door wide for us to adopt their sister if we would want. At that time there were still many unknowns and, to be completely honest, we didn’t feel prepared to adopt an HIV+ child. But we also didn’t feel that we could split up these siblings. We were overwhelmed and confused!!!

After a few days of intense wresting with the Lord, battles with fear and ignorance, and endless hours of HIV adoption research, we settled on trying to pursue the adoption their sister. But we knew we’d have hurdles because Bob’s employer does not offer health insurance. The health program we are a part of does not cover anything related to HIV. So we started to try think of ways we could afford the treatment costs ourselves. We also tried to secure some sort of individual plan coverage or something else… anything. But none of our efforts were successful. Then we found out that USCIS will not even issue a visa for an HIV+ child unless there is absolute proof of medical insurance. We realized with great disappointment that our family is not in a position to be able to adopt this precious child.

As things had progressed so far at that point, (the girls were already ours according to the Ethiopian courts) we felt that we had no choice but to go and pick them up, without their sister. We were praying fervently that God would make a clear path for us to understand the circumstances surrounding the girls’ relinquishment and what our role would be within this broken family in the future.

We had the privilege of meeting Lila Selam and Ella Furtuna’s family while in Ethiopia. Needless to say it was an intensely emotional time. We told their mom how much we were burdened for her daughter and tried to explain how the health insurance issues prohibited us from moving forward with her adoption. She pressed us for more information, wondering why, if we said we wanted to adopt her, we could not. It was incredible painful to have to say “no, we can not be the family for her” face-to-face. Furtuna (the head nurse at the Transition Home) had told us previously in an e-mail that “the reason she didn’t got accepted by the orphanage is because she is HIV positive but her mom really want to give her for adoption because she really cares about her.she said she was even praying about it.she cried with joy when i told her that there may be a possibility that she may got adopted if she is willing.” 

We are writing this now and sharing so much of their story because their precious sister has been added to the waiting child list. She is CURRENTLY AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION!!!! We stare at her pictures every day wishing that we could be the ones to welcome her home, but God has not opened that door for us and we also realize our limitations as we are still learning to be a family of seven. (I should add that our insurance situation is an exception. Many, many families have adopted HIV+ children and have received full coverage through their providers. In addition, there are many programs available to help!) So we are asking you to open your hearts and pray. We would love to see this sweet girl welcomed home. It would also be a priceless gift to her mother — to know that her daughter is loved, secure and cared for in a family.

Their mom is a precious woman who loves the Lord. We wept together as we spoke about our adoption into the family of God and our eternal inheritance. We told her that our passion is to raise up her daughters to love the Lord and we talked about the sweet reunion we would have one day. She is doing all she can to give her children a life as her own life and her family are being torn from her grip. Truly, we have not met a more beautiful person. Each day we look at our adopted daughters and we see a reflection of the family they left behind in their faces. This family has been ravaged by HIV/AIDS and we cannot make that go away. But we are praying that God would take the pain and bring about great joy in eternal glory.

Lila and Ella’s sister is absolutely precious. She is an active 2 year old girl, full of smiles and activity. She loved my sunglasses and wore them upside-down the whole time we were visiting with the family – so cute. How I wish I could share the pictures! She jumped right into the middle of the action and excitement of all the other children, playing ball and running all around. She is very outgoing and engaging and is absolutely stunning, a very beautiful little girl!

Now, we know how much an HIV+ positive diagnosis can raise all sorts of negative emotions and thoughts. We know because it happened in our hearts when we first heard the news. Of course, special needs adoption is not for everyone, but after hours and hours or research and a slew of conversations and e-mails with families who have walked this road, my perspective and heart changed completely. So if you are reading this and have considered adoption I urge you to at least consider this situation, and all the other situations similar to this one, with an open heart. HIV is a chronic but very manageable disease. HIV+ children who are adopted are given a chance at LIFE. Think of it!

Here are a few sites to visit if you want to learn more:

http://www.awaa.org/waitingchildren/ethiopia/ (She is on the waiting child list. You can contact the agency for more information.)

http://www.adoption-link.org/

http://www.projecthopeful.org/index.htm

http://www.miracleofadoption.org 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hivadoption/  (We posted on this forum asking for advice specific to our situation. There were quite a few helpful responses explaining the ins and outs of medical insurance and USCIS requirements. They seem to be a great all around resource.)

http://www.facinglife.tv/episode/season_3/episode_7/episode_307.html (This is a great video- please watch! Just click the link to watch the full episode online.)

 

http://www.ahopeforchildren.org/ 

Some blogs:

http://twietconfetti.blogspot.com/

http://fullhousehandshearts.typepad.com/my_weblog/

I have so much more to say, but I know this must stop somewhere. If your heart is moved by this I encourage you to fervently seek the Lord in the matter. Spread the word. We are hoping, hoping, hoping to see this child find a family. But more than that, we are hoping to see many hearts open to the idea of special needs adoption, especially HIV. Their sister is not the only child with HIV who is waiting for a family. Please, ask God, and see what He may be doing in your heart.

We thank you for your time in reading this long post! We are so grateful! As I said we do have more to share. If you have any questions, please contact us. We’d love to hear from you!

More posts coming soon – and I really mean it this time.

Gracie Girl

I heard the charachteristic seal (croup) cough and thought it was Ella because she had a cold today. I went into her room but she was sound asleep.

So I ran to Grace, the coughing intensified, the retching began. Her pupils were fully dilated, no breath, limp body. Panic. I screamed to Bob and he called 911. We turned on the shower begging Grace to breath. I was getting ready to start CPR when she finally seemed to get some air in on her own.  

Precious Grace just drove away in an ambulance with her dad. I desperately want to be with her. Waiting for the phone to ring is torture.

**Update: The phone call came about an hour later. The nebulizer and steroids did the trick and Grace is stable. Thank the Lord!

Our dear friends are at the hospital right now (1:00 a.m.) waiting for her to be discharged. Aren’t we blessed to have friends who are willing to leave their house in the middle of a cold MN night to pick part of our family up from the hospital and deliver them safely home? They are saving me from having to wake up 4 soundly sleeping children (another one of which also has croup), bundling them up, and hauling them all to the hospital. Thank you M&D!!

A Whole New Girl

During the 5 months that we waited for a successful court date we received quite a few updates and photos of Ella Furtuna. Over and over we saw a scared and sad little girl. The stories we received backed up the photos. Our updates would say things like: 

She is afraid of white people.

She is afraid in general.

She screamed to death the whole time I was there.

She seems like a very unhappy girl.

You will have a difficult time with her.

Ella has been home with us for 6 weeks and has become a confident, happy, goofy and fun little girl. I saw a dramatic change at about the 3 week mark. It seemed like a switch was flipped and suddenly there was nothing but “sugar” in her whole personality. After a few weeks of that “honeymoon” behavior things seem to be stabilizing and I see a more natural balance between happiness and normal crabby or frustrated behavior. Of course, we also have the occasional very bad day with all sorts of the old behaviors showing up.

Things may change by next week or next month, but for now, Ella looks more like this: 

Her Story

I have written before about all these girls have been through, and how much it breaks our hearts. Their precious family was torn apart by AIDS, a disease they cannot understand.

 

Their father passed away in September of 2007, just two weeks before Ella Furtuna was born. Their mother also has AIDS and her failing health kept her from being able to work to feed her family.

 

While Ella is too young to have seen or remember the ravaging effects of AIDS, or death, or poverty, Lila Selam is not. All these things are very real for her, fresh and painful in her memory and her heart. And both girls have experienced the pain of relinquishment, of being torn apart from their family and placed into an orphanage. Both are in the process of relearning to trust and love a family from the other side of the world.

 

Today as I did Lila’s hair for church she began talking. It was repetitive and slow as she struggled to put the concepts together in English. But what came out of her mouth amazed me. She was able to formulate these memories into English, to share them with me with an open heart, to see the progression of where she was before to where she is now, and to end the story with a sense of hope about her. It is hard to explain what it does to my heart.

 

So here is a pretty close rendition of her words to me this morning.

 

Ella and me dad and mom in Ethiopia. Ethiopia Dad go to sleep, no wake up, no wake up. I don’t know. Dad hurt (points to throat), Dad hurt leg, dad go to sleep, sleep. No wake up, no wake up.

 

Everybody, mom and everybody come house, cry, cry, cry. Dad sleep and no wake up, no wake up. Everybody come, aunts come, everybody come cry, cry, cry.

 

Dad sleep, no wake up. Car come, dad go in car. Mom and dad go in car. Dad, I don’t know where go. Dad (points down). (Signifying burial, I think.)

 

Mom and me and Ella house. No money. Little money gone. Gone. No money. No food. Me and Ella go friend eat. No eat at home. Eat with friend.  

 

Ella and me go America.

 

She finished and I thanked her for talking to me. We hugged, she smiled and then we ate breakfast. She usually spends a few minutes at every meal, every car ride, really every time we aren’t busy, busy with other things to tell all of us that she loves us. She goes down the list, “Me love Dad, me love Mom, me love John, me love Will, me love Grace, me love Ella.” Then she ends with a triumphant “Me love everybody in this family!”

 

And then each of us say, “I love you too, Lila.” And we do.

 

A Glimpse Behind the Photo

We managed to take this family portrait in the living room, with the camera timer, before church last Sunday. Looking at the picture makes us chuckle. Really, Bob and I were laughing out loud (an odd exhausted and beaten down kind of a laugh) the night we took it becuase the photo has such a happy look about it. It almsot makes it seem like we have things figured out and put together.

But we don’t.

Let’s not even go into the emotional adoption adjustment stuff that we continue to muddle through. I haven’t written about all that again because I really don’t know what to say. Instead let’s take a look at some of the health issued we’ve dealt with during this already challenging time.

In one month:

• Head Lice and LOTS of RID. Yep, we thought we were in the clear when we got home but we were wrong. It has been a horrible uphill battle because it had spread before we caught it. I have never, ever done so much laundry and spent SO many hours (I’m guessing that I’ve clocked about 40) combing through hair and spent so much time cleaning.
• Scabies. The jury is still out on this one (we don’t have a confirmed diagnosis). But we did have to drive the whole crew to the clinic to check on a suspicious itchy rash. And we did have to fill prescriptions and treat it and do more laundry. Lots more laundry. And more cleaning.
• Ringworm. We knew Ella had a fungal infection on her scalp right away in Ethiopia. The doctor looked it over and thought maybe it was just cradle cap. But guess what showed up on my face just a few days after our appointment, right where Ella’s little head is always buried into my neck and face? Yep, Ringworm.
• Stomach flu. We all know about this already, but it did happen in our first month home, I’ll reiterate that we endured a nasty bug during those first days home.
• Other fungal infections… or maybe it’s just eczema. Lila has white patches on her face. Doctor didn’t know if it was fugal or just dry skin, so he gave us the prescription. $130 dollars later and an almost empty bottle and the results? Still lots of white spots. Guess it was eczema and the meds were a waste.
• Colds. All seven of us had got head colds.
• Doctor appointments. And failed blood draws. And mounting medical bills. And a whole slew of intestinal parasite tests that have yet to come back. Can’t help but wonder what else might be lurking…
• Update: Tests came back and both girls are positive for Giardia.

Put it all together and what do you get? One frazzled momma! I am itchy all over as I write this because I feel like there are bugs everywhere. I think it’s all in my head… or maybe it’s not… one can’t know for sure when their home is infested with lice and scabies. Oh, I hate that feeling. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own home. And having fungus on my face really adds to the whole experience.

So, one might ask us, is it worth it?

Yes it is. And I’ll write more about why soon.

Watch This

Family Photo

Five Favorite Photos from December

Merry Christmas

Finally… Some Pictures

Here is Doctor Lila Selam. Complete with a hard hat, because doctoring can be hazardous work. And Spiderman glasses, because smart doctors do wear glasses you know. We have our doctor toys and our construction tool toys in the same bin. She loved the doctor stuff but didn’t understand that the construction tools are not actually doctor supplies. We were worked on with saws and sanders and screwdrivers yesterday — at least she was gentle about it.

It has taken me almost two whole weeks to get a picture or two of Ella wearing a happy face.

Because if she is not in my arms (and sometimes when she is) she looks like this.