Merry Christmas

Finally… Some Pictures

Here is Doctor Lila Selam. Complete with a hard hat, because doctoring can be hazardous work. And Spiderman glasses, because smart doctors do wear glasses you know. We have our doctor toys and our construction tool toys in the same bin. She loved the doctor stuff but didn’t understand that the construction tools are not actually doctor supplies. We were worked on with saws and sanders and screwdrivers yesterday — at least she was gentle about it.

It has taken me almost two whole weeks to get a picture or two of Ella wearing a happy face.

Because if she is not in my arms (and sometimes when she is) she looks like this.

One Week

One week has past since our homecoming. Mercifully, things have changed and improved. We have a very long way to go and our emotions still get the best (or worst) of us sometimes, but overall our family is adjusting. Some updates:

All are currently healthy. We are so grateful that the illness seemed to loose strength as it moved from person to person. Grace was the last one to get it and she was hardly affected.

The Christmas tree and decorations are up. Somehow we managed to get to the store to buy the tree and wade through the decorating chaos this week.

The house is mostly clean, the bills are done, the papers are organized, everything from the trip has been put away,and we are finally down to less than 4 loads of laundry a day (we had a lot of laundry with all the illnesses.)

No adjustment tears from our three bio children in the last few days. They are enamored with Furtuna as she laughs and giggles for them and is learning to walk. They struggle more with Selam because the language barrier really makes it hard to play.

Furtuna (Ella) is sleeping soundly all through the night after a week-long battle. Naps are still a major issue, but I plan to stick that out until she learns. The hitting stopped once she understood that there was a consequence associated with her behavior. She is more and more confident and comfortable in the house with each passing day. Saturday night was her breakthrough with Bob when she went to him willingly for the first time. It’s still hit or miss with him, but overall she has made wonderful progress.

Selam (Lila) is also doing well considering all she has been through. She was weepy for the first time on Sunday night at bedtime. Bob ended up lying on the floor in her room until she fell asleep. It is hard not being able to talk about what is upsetting her. She may be in mourning over all the changes, or maybe she was just upset because we made her put the dolls away and go to bed. No way to know. Her first few days were marked with reserve, silence and frustration. Her hand was always limp in mine if I tried to hold it and if I hugged her she stiffened. In the last few days she has opened up just a bit as I can feel a very slight softening in her body language. She is eating most food now without issues and seems to be getting familiar with the routines. But the language… boy is it hard not being able to communicate.

I am wondering why on earth I thought I could handle 5 kids age 7 and under. It is crazy busy trying to give everyone the needed attention, especially because they ALL need SO MUCH attention right now during this transition time. I hope it’ll get better but right now I feel like I am in way over my head. Really though, the practical day to day mother stuff is fine. I can do all that. It’s our hearts that need healing and strength as we adjust to this new life and try to let go of our old life. We are still sad, and we still don’t have overflowing love like we thought we would, but we can feel it slowly growing and that is a good thing.

Oh, we have so far to go. But we made it through this first week. The support and honesty communicated through this blog was very helpful to us and we hope it will help others as well.  We are so grateful for the prayers — really, really grateful. And the practical help has been wonderful. We have had 4 delicious meals delivered with 2 more on the way this week. Thank you.

Update

5:00 Sunday morning. John and Grace are both sick. Please pray for their bodies and that it will not spread to Selam or Furtuna.

Thank you all

Some Good, Some Bad

It’s Friday night and for now everyone is healthy. Thank you all for your prayers. Bob is still feeling some symptoms but he was able to wrestle and play with the kids tonight. It makes a world of difference to have him active and involved. I am washing everyones hands like crazy and praying that no one else gets sick.

Thursday was hard for us all.  We hit yet another ”low point” in the morning when I had Will in my arms and did not make it to the bathroom in time. Both of us and the entire bathroom was covered with throw-up. This has happened to me so many times in the last 7 years it usually doesn’t faze me. But yesterday I couldn’t cope and immediately broke down. I struggled to clean Will up and tend to his needs. They I sobbed my eyes out while cleaning the bathroom. Not a good moment. My mom was a saint and spent the day with us. Truly, she has been amazing this week — full of compassion, love and practical help. Then Bob was hit with the news of a 15% pay cut at work. We are drowning in adoption expenses and now we don’t even have a sustainable income to support our family. We feel like our lives are falling apart. Again and again all through the day and night tears and frustrations flow as we keep begging God to help us through these days and provide a way for us to get back on our feet…

In some ways today was better. There is an intense heaviness pressing down all the time, but somehow we were able to smile and laugh together as a family. We managed to make Christmas cookies and Selam loved to wrestle with Bob. We discovered that Furtuna loves to dance.

We have been deeply touched by all the support and prayers.  It truly has been a lifeline for me. I don’t have long chunks of time but I can walk my computer every so often and see the comments and e-mails coming in. Furtuna usually cries pretty quick when I sit down but I am able to speed read and get encouragement and support. I cannot explain how much it means to me and Bob as well. Each night when he sits down to catch up he is overwhelmed. Thank you all!!!

The Walls Continue to Crumble

I am calling out again for prayer. Bob tried so hard yesterday and pulled himself out of bed and off to work. He was home an hour later, so sick he could not stand. He muddled through the day at home going from bed to attempts to give me some help. At 4:00 this morning Will woke up covered in diarrhea from his waist to his toes. He is very ill. If this illness is as severe for him as it has been for Bob he would end up in the hospital. A child’s body is not as strong as a grown man and Bob is barely holding on. I am desperately pleading with God to spare our family from this illness. For healing. If it were to pass through everyone… well I am trying not to even think of it. We are so scared.

Our emotions are no better. I cannot even begin to explain.

But I do want to thank you all for your support. I put myself out there with the last post and the response was overwhelming. Apparently my words struck a nerve with many. More people visited our blog yesterday than in the last few months combined. Many people have struggled through these same experiences and emotions and I am so grateful to all of you who shared with honesty and openness. Those of you who are on this adoption road, I urge you to read through all the comments. The things that were shared need to be heard. It means so much to us to know that we are not the only ones. We shed many tears while reading through the comments and the many e-mails we received. But the tears had a hint of relief in them instead of just the pain.

And to all who are praying, we are humbled and grateful. We want so much for mercy to come but we don’t feel it yet. That does not mean that God is not hearing and answering. Mercy has already been poured on us in many ways…

And to those who called me or asked for me to call back, I appreciate it so much. The only times I find to get to the computer are at night or early morning. I want to call and hear first hand how you have managed but the days are far too intense right now for me to find the time. Please know that I appreciate you calls and e-mails and I do want to call you. I pray Furtuna will begin to let up on the crying, then maybe I will be able to use the phone.

Thank you all. I’ll update again when I have a chance.

This is Hard

Really, really hard.

I don’t often see posts like the one I am about to write on adoption websites, in fact I don’t think I ever have. So one of two things must be true. Either no one else goes through what we are going through, or people go through it and decide not to share. I figure that if I am going to post, I should be honest. So here goes — an honest update on our family.

We are really struggling. We have lost sight of what we even thought this adoption experience would be like, but the emotions we are experiencing were nowhere on our radar. We did OK on the trip. Other than missing our kids at home terribly, we were kept busy and our days were full. Things seemed to be fine as we did our best to bond with the girls.

Then we came home and it feels like everything has fallen apart. Monday morning Bob came down with a nasty flu bug. We still don’t know if it is some water or food borne bacteria he brought home from Ethiopia or a common virus. He had to spend all day Monday on the couch or in bed. He was supposed to return to work on Tuesday but he had to stay home. The Cipro he is taking has yet to do any good. We are both jet-lagged and can’t seem to catch up.

I read about post-adoption depression and Bob and I must both have it. It is a huge battle to make it five minutes without crying. John, Will and Grace are struggling also and it tears our hearts out to see it. We have two children in our home that we are supposed to love as our own but it just isn’t happening. Our hearts are longing to regain the intimate family relationships we had before all this happened. Suddenly we have a one year old who cries at the drop of a hat, who hits and lashes out in frustration, who does not sleep well, and absolutly hates her new dad. And we have a six year old who cannot speak English and is making no efforts to learn to communicate with us, who has absolutely no sense of right and wrong, no concept of what it means to listen and respond to her name let alone obey what is being said, who doesn’t like our food or our routines, and who has no idea of boundaries or appropriate behavior. 

Our hearts break for Selamand Furtuna and all they have gone through. We also feel guilty for making the decision to bring us to this place as we see how it is affecting us as well as John, Will and Grace. I feel frustration and anger with myself that more love is not flowing naturally from my heart for these girls. I question if the love of Christ is in me if I cannot seem to bond and fully accept them into our family. We feel guilt for bringing the girls into our home when it seems that we are not as well equipped to handle the challenges as we had thought we would be.

We are trying to hold onto the hope that it will get better, but right now it just seems impossible to get through the next hour of the day. In a few minutes I will go to bed and I am sure Bob and I will be crying ourselves to sleep again.

If you have an opportunity please pray for us. We are begging God for mercy and strength and love and peace. Right now it seems we are losing the battle as our emotions keep pulling us down. But this is our life now and these are the challenges we must face. I have to stop looking back. Instead I have to focus on making the best of the situation and trust that God has a purpose in it. Tomorrow Bob will go to work. Even though he is still sick he cannot take another day off. I am overwhelmed at the prospect of being here alone with all the kids.

I do think it will get better and I do think it is right to care for widows and orphans. And I do think that God will get us through somehow. Hopefully the next time I post things will be looking up…

Yet this I call to mind
       and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
       for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
       great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
       therefore I will wait for him. – Lamentations 3:21-24

Ethiopia

Hi all-

We are here and the trip is going well. We chose not to bring a computer because we thought we’d use the ipone and wi-fi to post. Unfortunately the wi-fi does not work and this is the very first time I have been able to get through wordpress since we arrived.

So, some thoughts:

The girls are beautiful and we love them deeply.

Communication is much harder than I expected. Selam is so quiet and does not try to say things to us at all. Still we are getting glimpses of her personality. She is sweet and meticulous and kind.

Furtuna has clung to me every waking moment (and some sleeping) since we picked her up. She still wants nothing to do with Bob, she will cry whenever he comes near. But she giggles and laughs with me and snuggles deep into my shoulder whenever anyone comes near or tries to talk with her.

Jay and Karen are fabulous and we love watching them with the boys. They are all constantly laughing and it is a joy to see.

The country and the people are beautiful. I absolutely love it!!

It is even harder than I expected to be away from the kids at home. As much as I love it here, I want nothing more that to be there with them now. If only they were here…

We did meet the girls mother. It was gut-wrenching. Rachel (AWAA staff) and Furutna (head nurse and our translator for the meeting) were both crying hard the whole time. The details will come later, but it was so very hard to see this beautiful woman in such a desperate situation. I have more peace now in knowing that she truly cannot care for these girls, but I want so much to take her pain away and knit her family back together the way it began. But we focused on our adoption as sons and daughters and our Father in Heaven. As we said goodbye we spoke of us becoming one family and partnering together to raise these girls. Eternal perspective and eyes fixed on heaven is the joy in the midst of the pain.

Must go to sleep while I have the chance. I spend my online time e-mailing the kids at home so the blog has taken a back seat. I do hope to update more soon.